Real Life Crisis

A common malaise afflicting those entering into what is generally referred to as ‘middle-age’ is often termed a ‘mid-life crisis’, a description of the sense of loss at being forced to leave behind all that which is termed youthful and instead embrace the standardized existence of maturity and responsibility. At 21 and on the verge of leaving the protective bubble of fulltime education, I am beginning to feel that this evolution in fact necessitates itself far earlier. If not a 'real-life crisis' then it is most definitely a crisis of ‘real life’.

I will always remember my dad's assertion that my school days would be the happiest days of my life but I equally remember my rejection of this; instead wishing everyday, to be that little bit closer to being my own man, with no restrictions upon the paths I chose. The problem I find now however is that in the face of this life without restriction I am floundering. Having been blessed with the existence of a ‘Jack of all Trades Master of F*** all’ I thrived in a school and University environment that encourages you to engage in all different areas of life: Sport, Academia, Drama and Music but with the term ‘profession’ looming ever closer in the distance social convention determines that I abandon all but one in real life and afford all others the feckless position of 'hobby'. The constraints experienced in real life, rather than the protective bubble of the education system, most importantly that of being forced into earning a wage for survival, means that I must now choose a specific direction on which to embark, and quite simply I haven’t got a clue what I want that to be.

All through school and even now into University it seemed that a career was a distant specter of true adult hood that until now could be palmed off as something I could easily choose at a later date; that distance has now closed and I am stood on the precipice of what could, and should, be the most important decision of my life to date.  My lack of career direction is not through lack of want, those pushed by an excellence in Sport or Music are now seemingly blessed in having inadvertently achieved a life’s direction, I on the other hand through my previous label as a 'Jack of all Trades' have none. I have been lucky enough to study at an incredible University in a subject I love, but yes you guessed it, it was a non-vocational subject, which within the next 6 months I will be a Master of. On speaking to others they seem to react in jealous indignation that with that degree the world was my oyster, any direction, outside of extreme numeracy, was mine for the taking, but sadly in my case this has been a weakness rather than strength.

In a time where every man, woman and their dog leaves full time education with a degree of some form and not only that, enters into a landscape scarred by what will surely become a double-dip recession, the need to differentiate oneself from the competition is paramount and the clearest way by which to do this is through work experience or placements. The problem thereby of floundering directionless in the vast opportunity that stands before me is that I have avoided these tools of differentiation. At no point was I able to select a choice for a placement, because what use was work experience in advertising to become a journalist, or a placement with a publishing firm to become a member of the civil service? Whilst these would have illustrated a desire to work would they have been anymore useful in illustrating this than what I chose to do instead, simply getting a job that I have held down in term time and in holidays? Equally, does the fact I was able to work hard for a catering firm or for an events company really afford me any advantage when it comes to specifying a particular career, sadly I fear not.

And it is from this that my feeling of crisis has emerged, a plummeting of confidence in my prospects has befallen me, someone who in the confines of school and University, truly felt the world was at his feet. The professional or ‘real life’ world has no real desire for a man who is pretty good at most things, unless you are the best in your specific field it seems you are destined for mediocrity. Who knows, maybe this entire passage of self pity and helplessness is hyperbolic in itself, and I truly hope it is, but with every second bringing the inevitable decision of career choice closer and closer I cannot help but hear my dad in the back of my mind, have the happiest days of my life really gone?

Real Life Crisis: A Response

I never anticipated this passage to be in two parts when I initially started writing but the deeper I got into it the more I realized how dark, hopeless and depressing it made everything seem. As a result I feel this imbalance needs to be rectified (perhaps further evidence of my confusion and mixed feelings surrounding the whole experience!) and if not rectified then at least considered from a different standpoint. The reason for my negativity may well just be fear, fear of the unknown, and fear of stepping out of the protective bubble of full time education. To be critical of myself, maybe all this fear and self-loathing is just a symptom of wanting to stay young forever, never wanting to fully take responsibility for my own life. Even as I am writing now I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating what the future holds for me whether it’s a time of opportunity or whether it’s an empty promise.

To be positive though, is to give credence to the idea that yes adulthood is when you are truly free, true in childhood you are ostensibly ‘free’ from the responsibility of earning a living but that isn’t freedom really, freedom is the ability to have your future and destiny in your own hands, to make real life changing decisions beyond that of telling your mum what you want for dinner. Adulthood brings with it what to me seems like the true meaning of life because before technology came along and made surviving all too easy then that was essentially the meaning of life – life. Every other species is technically a subsistence species they eat to survive and they sleep. All the trappings of modern life are essentially superfluous, apart from the one thing that cannot be changed, and that is starting a family; it is that element of real adult life that acts as the shining light, which to me makes all other worries pale into insignificance.

I am lucky enough to have a fantastic family life, it is large, tight knit and sociable and it is this that I cannot wait to provide for my child, what else is there to do? Of course one can make lots of money and drive fast cars but how many children of the rich and famous are spoiled, having been involved in a family set up that often leads to self destruction. Obviously all statements need to come with moderation but basically what I am trying to get across is that, unconventionally for this day and age, it is not the desire for money and self betterment that lures me towards adulthood but a sense of family, maybe its something I’ve inherited from my own, but that is what I care about and it is that which I fell will be enough to drag me out of the morose torpor I found myself in in my previous passage.